While I’d initially planned on covering some of the things today in a TL;DR format the decision was made by a series of work and life events that were entirely uninteresting to the vast majority of people. So instead of actual coverage I am going to completely make stuff up and you can get real coverage elsewhere.
So plenty of fake and not funny headlines here:
After rebranding G Suite to Google Workspace, Google to rebrand Meet to Work Play Meetings
The next Pixel announced, which is one higher than the previous Pixel number and includes a small, medium, and large version.
The announcement that the next Android operating system will be Android 14 because all of the developers saw that Tom Hanks movie.
Google announces a phone in collaboration with several other Android hardware developers codenamed The iNostalgia EVO 5G Note Razr Ultra Galaxy Mate Pearl. It’s immediately renamed the Play Phone and discontinued.
Google Fiber to rebrand to Google Fibber because it’s one better.
AI introduced and added to Google’s Home/Nest ecosystem that remembers all the children who told Google they hated her.
Google Pay adding direct deposit option for your employers after rebranding called Play Pay Day.
New Material Design wallpaper matcher puts matching oversized anime boobs on your system icons.
Google engineer admits she was Satoshi Nakamoto after the last Bitcoin is mined and all possible SHA-256 passwords on the planet have been compromised by the rainbow table. All to get back $12.37 in a locked account at Truist.
New AI-based customer service support of Google products starts with telling telling the customer it’s their fault before they have a chance to ask a question.
Realizing the name “Nest” doesn’t really scream Google, Home, Security, or Peace of Mind, Nest rebranded to Play at Home.
Google announced Stadia still exists and is a thing
New Photos free storage option gives you acne and thumbs in the photo unless you pay up.
Maps for the Web introduced which will guide you to comments sections you agree with and tell you when browsing if there will be a delay getting out as you pat yourself on the back for surrounding yourself with no conflicting ideologies.
Google Guides above level 7 to get free mental health screenings because really, who sane works for free to make Maps more reliable for strangers?
Google Duo can now record video to Google One storage in 4K if launched through Play Meetings from a Workspace Sheets document on a Pixel. Support for more recording options coming to higher end phones later in the year.
Google announces Project Starline will totally not immediately be used for porn, releases song sung by Assistant that includes “Starline, Starline, Starline Starliiiine… I’m begging of you please don’t be used for porn”