A roadmap for continued Netflix winning
Some actions Netflix can do to keep stoking fear while losing customers en masse:
- Announce feud with Roku, pull app from store
- Revoke certification of various devices such as projectors claiming they could be used for shared password piracy on a wall
- Add ads to existing paid tiers
- Announce non-annoying ad-supported tier
- Add live streaming channels, stomp a puppy to death on one of them in the first week
- Leak document saying all this was working perfectly for the Netflix stock buy back scheme
- Announce new 8K offering with 2x the fake pixels that the 4K offering delivers
- Get a tattoo of Pete Davidson as an angel
- Launch a streaming games service that only streams off-brand board games like Oligopoly, Surry Mate, Boat-C, Problems
- Create Netflix+ where 4K users can achieve picture quality of at least 720P/30fps
- Sell off streaming rights to Stranger Things
- Make 2022 all reality shows
- Admit the “and chill” part was because even lame planned sex was better than Netflix Originals
- Blame Boomers, Millennials and Gen Z for the decline of Netflix. That’s OK Gen X they forgot about you.
- Announce restricted bandwidth hours once profits drop below 28 billion a year
- More dead pixel movies and shows – dead pixels take less bandwidth to transmit
- Blame the post office and Netflix DVD rental for sucking at the teat of enormous profits
- Get caught funding politicians who are attempting to take on Disney
- Announce without saying it outright that they’re pivoting to be a platform to cater to homophobia, hate, and lies
- Frame the above as though it’s just about Dave Chappell and not about upcoming content
- Renew Space Force for a third season
- All in on Sexy Beasts
- Netflix Original sex toy lines to be your preferred digital screaming (with joy) provider
- Turn every 82 minute movie proposal into a 3+ hour 6-part miniseries
- Add autoplay previews at top volume of every single thing you select… oh wait
- Decry X culture while banning episodes of series based on their Xness
- Keep whatever leadership and management they currently have making and announcing these decisions
